Depth

Today I went scuba diving off of a small island in Indonesia, Nusa Lembongan. This is not something I ever expected to do.

I got a diving certification 7 years ago because it was my husband’s hobby. Truth be told, I was terrified of trusting that I’d be able to breathe, of trusting the equipment and the knowledge of my instructors, of seeing what was down there anyway, of big and scary sea critters that obviously all wanted to eat me, of never returning to the surface.

I did it anyway, because I loved and trusted him.

I was a bit of a Nervous Nellie to dive today – I hadn’t done a single dive since I was certified in 2007. As soon as I left the dive shop, having just reserved my space for a quick refresher course plus 2 “fun” dives, my former fears swiftly returned and I had quite a difficult time seeing the “fun” part. My newly-adopted motto of “why the hell not” was nowhere to be found. Instead, my new motto became “what the hell was I thinking???” I made it through the next 12 hours asking myself that question over and over, wondering if I could really do it. Contemplating backing out at the last second, the depth of my (mostly unreasonable) fears matching the depths of the ocean.

I did it anyway, because I am learning to love and trust myself more deeply.

I realized the fears that bubbled up inside me today were not the same as those that threatened to hold me back when I tried my first dive 7 years ago. I was afraid because I could no longer rely on him for comfort and “protection” from the big scary critters in the sea or from my own fears (any of which are likely unstoppable if they take over at 20m deep). The only person I could rely on was myself. I think that was one of the big reasons I felt drawn to testing out unfamiliar countries and cultures on my own – just like I took a quick-and-dirty refresher course for my dive this morning, I really needed a quick-and-dirty refresher for my independence.

And I’m certainly getting one.

Today on that dive, I couldn’t stop smiling. Salty tears filled my eyes (though it could have been just salty ocean water sneaking into my mask – that happens when you smile!). I saw beautiful coral! A manta ray! A gigantic sea cucumber! The most vibrantly-colored fish I’ve ever seen – and they swam right in front of my face and all around me! I was simply overwhelmed by what I would have missed had I been too afraid to sink to the ocean floor, to come to Indonesia, to rely on myself. I was also overwhelmed with gratitude; I never would have tried diving in the first place had it not been his “thing.”

And as it turns out, it’s my “thing,” too.